Beautifully and honestly expressed. Apparently you DO have some fucks to give 😅. I’m here for all of them. I lost my Dad in February after a 4 year battle with dementia and my 15 1/2 year Golden Doodle this Fall. I tell people I’m operating at a fuck deficit many days. And yet, life goes on and we find more bits of joy or amusement to offset the rest and eventually the life ratio comes up to a par you can live and hopefully flourish with. Thanks for keeping it real and expressing what a lot of us keep in our heads. It’s meaningful to see it on the page / screen. That’s valuable stuff that helps others. Definitely keep writing. Even when it sucks! And thank you!
A friend once said to me, after I unexpectedly lost my brother, that for something we all endure, we do a horrific job of telling another what to expect. And that in the "first year," you have to train yourself to be "on" on certain days or in certain situations. Also, people think they may upset you by talking about the person who died — when talking spreads the love and helps shoulder the grief.
In my case, it was a full year before I began to smile or laugh. Not full-fledged, but just a simple smile. It was really about three years later before I laughed in the way I did before my brother died.
Your mom sounds like an amazing woman, and I am so sorry she died.
You're doing fine , there's no rules or playbook., just roll with it honestly. I'm not big on religion but daily remembrance is a nice thought I sometimes observe .....
This definitely hit hard. I lost my gorgeous dog in July 2021, my job in April 2022 (it sucked, but still), my Dad in August and my mum in October. There are times just existing feels like an effort. There is no timeline on how we should deal with it all, and sometimes it feels like just one blow after another. I now have a wonderful new job and am about to move 5000km, but damn I keep wanting to tell my parents about it!
Did not expect to 1) see you in my inbox today (welcome back) and 2) see a comment here from someone I know, who also needs a word of support/condolence.
Sue, I hope the memories of your Dad and your Golden Doodle provide you with light and joy, in between the sadness. Condolences to you and yours.
Amber, I'm here for all forms of humor, gallows included. The reference to Box o' Mom slayed and, just one man's opinion, I hope to see other holiday festooning as time moves on.
My wife had a world record setting shit 2022 that included a pre-surgery reminder to me of what she wanted to happen to her if all did not turn out well. She said she wanted me travel to the highest peaks and spread bits of her around as I went. Good thing she pulled through because I need to accumulate more frequent flyer miles to make it happen properly (2 seats in first of course).
Perhaps your plotting travel plans for Box o' Mom - or maybe just looking ahead to the next holiday. I'm thinkin' Uncle Sam hats should be widely available post Memorial Day...
EXCELLENT POST. I felt it in my bones and can relate to the rollercoaster of fuckery that is grief. My story in brief: lost my mom to cancer 9 months after her diagnosis, got pregnant with my second child a month later. A year later my dad got remarried. And a month after that he died from a sudden illness. Grief, Joy, Joy/Grief. W The Everyloving Fuck? Keep writing, It's helping you and others.
A big "fuck yeah!" to your mom. And I guess a thank you to her for getting you to send me (and everyone else) this episode of Dear F*ckers. I missed you and I'm sorry for the shit show you've been living through. My parents have been gone a long time now and I can tell you the loss never goes away, but the hurt eventually does. Until then, I'll just look forward to Uncle Sam hat on box this 4th of July.
Damn. Life (and grief) are indeed fuckity traps and snares that like to trip us up whenever we want to attempt to have at least a section of a life path that is somewhat smooth. Use the numb. Let it cushion you in a way that you need.
And know that "self care" is a fallacy -- this is when you ask for help, for others to care. (Words from Emily and Amelia Nagoski, not original to me).
And I really appreciate your special type of gallows humor. And your writing. And your presence in general.
Wishing you peace and the resilience to to ride this crazy, roller coaster ride of grief. I was very glad to see you in my inbox this morning. I don't have any advice to share, but plenty of virtual hugs will be winging their way to you from me.
"Grief is love with no where to go" is one of my favorites. After losing my mom in 2015 following a long illness (Dementia) and my father suddenly in 2020 (Aneurism, not COVID, but COVID sure made it suck more) I have realized there is a before and an after. I agree completely, this grief, for me, isn't something I'll get past. It's changed me. The world is a different place now.
I like the bunny ears. When I drove my dad to the veterans cemetery in DFW from Houston, he wore a cowboy hat. Somehow I just couldn't see a four hour drive with an urn strapped into the passenger seat unadorned.
I am so sorry for all the recent heartbreaks. I can't even touch the whole losing-your-dog-on-Christmas-Day thing (seriously, Universe WTAF?!?)
It's so wonderful to see you in my inbox again, though bittersweet. I, too, have loved ones above my fireplace. I deeply felt that part about the conflicted grief and the morbid humor. Sending big love to you.
We all grieve in our own ways. Fuzzy bunny ears is as valid as anything. I lost my dad in February and a significant portion of my identity has suddenly become "fountain pens", thanks to a few of his that I inherited.
Just do what you have to do to hang on to the roller coaster.
Beautifully and honestly expressed. Apparently you DO have some fucks to give 😅. I’m here for all of them. I lost my Dad in February after a 4 year battle with dementia and my 15 1/2 year Golden Doodle this Fall. I tell people I’m operating at a fuck deficit many days. And yet, life goes on and we find more bits of joy or amusement to offset the rest and eventually the life ratio comes up to a par you can live and hopefully flourish with. Thanks for keeping it real and expressing what a lot of us keep in our heads. It’s meaningful to see it on the page / screen. That’s valuable stuff that helps others. Definitely keep writing. Even when it sucks! And thank you!
Sorry for your losses. It’s hard when they hit so close.
And I concur that gallows humor is a great way to get through trying times. Not everyone gets it. But those who do, appreciate it.
A friend once said to me, after I unexpectedly lost my brother, that for something we all endure, we do a horrific job of telling another what to expect. And that in the "first year," you have to train yourself to be "on" on certain days or in certain situations. Also, people think they may upset you by talking about the person who died — when talking spreads the love and helps shoulder the grief.
In my case, it was a full year before I began to smile or laugh. Not full-fledged, but just a simple smile. It was really about three years later before I laughed in the way I did before my brother died.
Your mom sounds like an amazing woman, and I am so sorry she died.
❤️❤️❤️ sending hugs. Beautifully written.
You're doing fine , there's no rules or playbook., just roll with it honestly. I'm not big on religion but daily remembrance is a nice thought I sometimes observe .....
I wish you all the best on the journey..
This definitely hit hard. I lost my gorgeous dog in July 2021, my job in April 2022 (it sucked, but still), my Dad in August and my mum in October. There are times just existing feels like an effort. There is no timeline on how we should deal with it all, and sometimes it feels like just one blow after another. I now have a wonderful new job and am about to move 5000km, but damn I keep wanting to tell my parents about it!
Did not expect to 1) see you in my inbox today (welcome back) and 2) see a comment here from someone I know, who also needs a word of support/condolence.
Sue, I hope the memories of your Dad and your Golden Doodle provide you with light and joy, in between the sadness. Condolences to you and yours.
Amber, I'm here for all forms of humor, gallows included. The reference to Box o' Mom slayed and, just one man's opinion, I hope to see other holiday festooning as time moves on.
My wife had a world record setting shit 2022 that included a pre-surgery reminder to me of what she wanted to happen to her if all did not turn out well. She said she wanted me travel to the highest peaks and spread bits of her around as I went. Good thing she pulled through because I need to accumulate more frequent flyer miles to make it happen properly (2 seats in first of course).
Perhaps your plotting travel plans for Box o' Mom - or maybe just looking ahead to the next holiday. I'm thinkin' Uncle Sam hats should be widely available post Memorial Day...
EXCELLENT POST. I felt it in my bones and can relate to the rollercoaster of fuckery that is grief. My story in brief: lost my mom to cancer 9 months after her diagnosis, got pregnant with my second child a month later. A year later my dad got remarried. And a month after that he died from a sudden illness. Grief, Joy, Joy/Grief. W The Everyloving Fuck? Keep writing, It's helping you and others.
A big "fuck yeah!" to your mom. And I guess a thank you to her for getting you to send me (and everyone else) this episode of Dear F*ckers. I missed you and I'm sorry for the shit show you've been living through. My parents have been gone a long time now and I can tell you the loss never goes away, but the hurt eventually does. Until then, I'll just look forward to Uncle Sam hat on box this 4th of July.
You wrote about it. Huge win! Brilliant per usual.
Damn. Life (and grief) are indeed fuckity traps and snares that like to trip us up whenever we want to attempt to have at least a section of a life path that is somewhat smooth. Use the numb. Let it cushion you in a way that you need.
And know that "self care" is a fallacy -- this is when you ask for help, for others to care. (Words from Emily and Amelia Nagoski, not original to me).
And I really appreciate your special type of gallows humor. And your writing. And your presence in general.
Sending solidarity and empathy vibes your way.
Wishing you peace and the resilience to to ride this crazy, roller coaster ride of grief. I was very glad to see you in my inbox this morning. I don't have any advice to share, but plenty of virtual hugs will be winging their way to you from me.
"Grief is love with no where to go" is one of my favorites. After losing my mom in 2015 following a long illness (Dementia) and my father suddenly in 2020 (Aneurism, not COVID, but COVID sure made it suck more) I have realized there is a before and an after. I agree completely, this grief, for me, isn't something I'll get past. It's changed me. The world is a different place now.
I like the bunny ears. When I drove my dad to the veterans cemetery in DFW from Houston, he wore a cowboy hat. Somehow I just couldn't see a four hour drive with an urn strapped into the passenger seat unadorned.
I am so sorry for all the recent heartbreaks. I can't even touch the whole losing-your-dog-on-Christmas-Day thing (seriously, Universe WTAF?!?)
#SolidarityInTheChaos
It's so wonderful to see you in my inbox again, though bittersweet. I, too, have loved ones above my fireplace. I deeply felt that part about the conflicted grief and the morbid humor. Sending big love to you.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
We all grieve in our own ways. Fuzzy bunny ears is as valid as anything. I lost my dad in February and a significant portion of my identity has suddenly become "fountain pens", thanks to a few of his that I inherited.
Just do what you have to do to hang on to the roller coaster.
I was JUST thinking about you! I feel this having lost my mom 2 years ago March 7 and my dog last month. I loved what you wrote. Wishing you peace ❤️